Perfectionism and good enough…

Ok, I said in my last post that we didn’t hit things too hard in counseling.  But maybe that’s wrong.  We did hit things hard, in that we talked about lots of things.  We ranged all over, from my telling Tricia about the more recent lies I realized I have been believing, to how things are going at home, to, well, just about everything…

This week has been hard as well.  I have been holding myself together the best I can.  I have been fighting a bad (and I mean, it hurts to breathe, bad) cold.  I am exhausted.  My son has started pre-school for the first time.  My daughter wants to go too.  Neither of them want to sleep for a nap when they are home.  On top of that, there are multiple things I am trying to deal with in counseling.

AND…

I am a perfectionist.

Yeah, if you haven’t guessed it (or if I haven’t mentioned it before) I really am a perfectionist.  To the point of insanity sometimes.  If you came in my house, you would never guess that.  I could show you a picture here of what my living room and kitchen look like, but I want to show you a “Better Homes and Gardens” type of kitchen and living room… and, well, that ain’t gonna happen in these parts!!!!

One of the things I talked over with Tricia is that I don’t bother worrying about how perfect my house is, because I “know” that I can’t make it perfect, so why bother trying.  She told me that is a common problem with perfectionists.  If they feel they can’t do it right, and right the first time, they don’t even try.  Because failing at something is even worse than not doing it in the first place.

I don’t like failing.

Quick update…

• Well, I made it through counseling.  I am tired, we didn’t hit anything real hard.  We just talked through things a bit. 
• Peter made it through his first day of school.  He really loved it, was excited to go, and still happy when he got home, though he was very tired.
• I got the chance to sit at the coffee shop this morning before counseling, and got to visit with my friend Cindy afterwards.  It was really good to have those things today.

One thing to pray for, is that I feel like I am getting this cold reoccurring.  I feel all stuffed up and my coughing has gotten worse. 

Please pray that I will be able to feel better soon, and get a couple of really good nights of sleep.  Once I sleep well a couple of nights, hopefully I will be able to kick it once and for all.  I hope.  Right now I am completely physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.  I feel like I am going to fall apart… and it’s a different feeling than when I came back from last week’s session and was so rattled from the intensity of it.

I fell apart at Cindy’s today when she prayed for me… surprise, surprise! 

I just feel rather overwhelmed.  I am praying that a good night’s sleep will help.  And then maybe I can process through some of this and pull myself together.

Thank you all for your prayers!  Love you all.

New things…

My son, Peter, is heading into his first day at 4 year old Kindergarten tomorrow.  I don’t think he is nervous, though from time to time he says he doesn’t want to go, and then he asks me more about it.

He got to see his classroom, and play with some of the toys in there, and interact with the kids a week ago.  He really liked it, and seemed to be excited about it. 

I have all his things ready to go. 

I am not sure I am ready to go!

For some reason, I think I am more nervous than he is… could that be?!  He is only going to be gone 3 days a week, M-W-F, from 8-3. 

Maybe part of it is tomorrow is the first day.  I am trying to make sure that he has everything together for the day…. You know, sleeping bag for nap time (I am not letting him take his puppy he sleeps with, with him… he doesn’t realize that he will be resting without it yet) His back pack, folder, and some paperwork for his teacher, money for lunch. 

Then I have to get both him and his younger sister up and fed early enough to get him out of the house and to school on time.

Add to that, I have another counseling session tomorrow.

Nothing… What’s in a name #9

It’s really hard to write when I am not feeling good.  Not only have I been knocked down and out by this cold, but I have been knocked down and out by this past counseling session.

To say it was difficult or even brutal is an understatement!

I came away from there so shaken and sickened.  Only today am I starting to feel like myself again.  Maybe part of that had to do with my being sick and low energy reserves from that, I don’t know.  But I have been definitely hurting ever since Wednesday. 

That’s why it’s been so quiet over here.

During my counseling, Tricia had to stop me a couple of times to give me a chance to calm down, to get a drink of water, and recover a bit.  I didn’t “re-live” a lot of the incident, but did get probably a bit more into the memory, and got it into first person.  Which meant that I did relive a lot of that pain.  Which was what I think I was dealing with the end of this week.  The fall out.

As we talked, there was one point where I was about to identify a lie that I was believing, or at least a thought that was there.  But I forgot it before I could tell Tricia.  I don’t know that I have remembered it yet, but once I got home, and was trying to nap with my daughter, a lie surfaced that has never been there before, at least never acknowledged consciously by me.

A prayer request for me…

***Update Below***

I just wanted anyone who happens to read this between now and tomorrow at 11am CST… I am going to be going into counseling, and I would covet your prayers.  If you see how last week went, you will understand why I would covet your prayers so much.

I am tired, I have gotten a cold, which has worn me way down, and though I KNOW that God is in control, I am scared. 

I have seen this situation from a third person point of view for so long.  And after talking briefly with my psychiatrist today, he confirmed what I already thought.  I do need to be able to see this from a first person point of view, before I can deal with the emotions of it.  Right now it is too removed from me.

That night. A dark room, once locked…

How do I write about the pain in my heart?
The ache in my gut? 
The thick feeling of tears, stuck in my throat?

I don’t know if I can share what caused it.
I don’t know if I can explain.
Or even if I should.

What I can say is what I have been feeling this past week.

Shame.
Guilt.
Dirty.
Condemned.
Oppressed.

Feeling like there is a weight on me holding, pushing me down.

Feeling like no matter what I do, no matter how much I distract myself, no matter how much I try to clean myself… it’s not good enough to clean away the memories of what happened to me. 

I will be honest here.  I hope and pray it doesn’t hurt or recall bad memories for anyone else.  I will share what caused these feelings, thoughts, emotions.  Hoping that it might help someone else, give someone else the courage to face their past, encourage someone else to know they are not alone… hoping that God will redeem this, too, in my life.

Beautiful?!? What’s in a name #8

The other day I was writing about value in Christ.  Specifically that He values each and every one of us so much more than we could ever imagine.

That I can accept.  I am accepting that.  I am actually finding that I believe that.

But there is one problem…

Though I can see that He loves me and accepts me, I can’t look in the mirror.  I mean I do when I have to, but I KNOW I am not seeing what God sees. 

I see me.  I see my past.  I see my hurt.  I see my pain.  I see my shame.  I see my mistakes.  I see the things done to me.  I see the things I have done.

And I know that God sees all that too…

When I look at all that, I see each one of them like a “black mark” against me.  I see each thing as something that made me a bit more ugly each time.  I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror, because outwardly many times I don’t like what I see.  What I see there isn’t beautiful.  I find it very hard to find something I can honestly say I like, about how I physically look.

So for a long time, I have thought, well, focus on the inner beauty God talks about.

“You beauty should not come from outward adornment.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
1 Peter 3:3-4

Reading those verses again, I feel like I am reading them for the first time, and starting to see how they got twisted in my mind. 

Denim and Diamonds…

Usually I don’t do this…

OK, let me change this.  I never have done this before, but I think it will be worth your while.

I have a dear friend of mine, Cindy, who has just started a blog.  It is called Denim and Diamonds.  She has only 3 posts so far, but each one of them is outstanding.  She has been focusing on our value in Christ, and our worth in him… beauty, etc.  It is really worth your while going over there.  And while you are there, leave her an encouraging note.  I know that she would appreciate it.

I have been struggling with a major sense of shame, and difficulty in seeing in the mirror what God sees.  Cindy’s posts have helped me, and have made me think, and helped me refocus.  She is an incredible blessing!

The better country…

“All these people were still living by faith when they died.  They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.  And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth.  People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own.  If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.  Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”  Hebrews 11:13-16

The land that I have lived in for so long has been dark and gray and filled with anxiety and fear.  I haven’t felt like I would ever receive the gifts of the kingdom, of freedom and promise.  I was afraid that I didn’t have a hope and a future, because my past, and the things I have experienced there.

But I have tried to live by faith.  Faith in the God of the bible who has shown again and again in the scriptures that He is a God of deliverance.  He delivered the Israelites from Egypt, into their promised land.  He delivered them again and again from their enemies when they turned to Him.  He sent His Son, Jesus, to deliver all of us, if we turn to Him, and admit we need help.  I have to believe that He will deliver me.

And I have seen evidence of it.  Again and again He has delivered me a little at a time from different things in my past that have been holding me back.  He has taken me little by little out of the old country and has pointed me towards the better country.  The one promised to me, the one I have hoped and longed for. 

Even when I didn’t see the evidence of changes or that God was starting to work, others around me could.  I had to take their word for it at first.  But then I started to see the promises from a distance.  I can see the hope and future.  I can see how much God is working.  And I do have hope.

My One Dollar’s worth?… What’s in a name #7

I have a visual aide for you today…

It’s something that is a lot more effective if it were shown in person… at least the way it hit me today, it really hit me.

In counseling today with Tricia, we were working through something that hit me and beat down to the point of not feeling any value at all.  Because of the situation, what happened to me, I was feeling like I was:

UN-valuable
Used
Dirty
Nothing

As Tricia and I talked, and as we were processing through the therapy, there was a point where I felt like I hit up against a stone wall of fear.  I started to panic.  I could see the situation happening to me in third person, and then suddenly I was in it.  It wasn’t something “out there” anymore.  It was “here” and “now” and because I have never processed through these emotions, but instead, stuffed them, all of them were flooding through me at once.

I jumped, my heart was racing, I was sweating and shaking, and opened my eyes, but hardly realized it because all I could see was what was happening to me.  Tricia started talking to me when she realized that I wasn’t all there and couldn’t calm down.  She started reminding me where I was, that it was only a memory, not actually happening to me now.  She kept talking to me, trying to get me to make eye contact with her.  Telling me that I was safe, I was with her, safe in her office, not in that place or situation anymore. 

Beth Moore Simulcast… WOW!!!

On Friday, August 1st, I walked into an unfamiliar church, alone, and not sure of what to expect. 

Any one of these three normally would have me running for the hills.  But I was bound and determined that I was not going to miss this chance to see Beth Moore speak, even if it was via an Internet connection, not live.

I have been reading the Living Proof Minstries blog and I came across something about her being in Louisville, KY on Aug. 1 and 2 for a Living Proof Live event.  Then I found out that it was being simulcast to churches all over that were being host sites for people to come to watch the event.

There was a church about 30 minutes away from me, and this is the one I walked into that Friday evening.  I REALLY wanted to see Beth Moore.  I have read a bunch of her books, and love her style and the way she just puts things out there and is so real.  Whether I had someone with me or not, I couldn’t deny the tug in my heart to go.

I didn’t expect this weekend. 

I came to hear Beth Moore speak, figuring I would learn something, but not sure what.

I left having heard God speak, and learned immeasurably more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

…Beth just happened to be the vessel He used to get through to me.

Ok, now I got tagged too!

This seems to be spreading around among our friends and acquaintances, so I thought I would spread the love. 

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you — Melissa
2. Post the rules on your blog (check - you’re looking at them)
3. Write 6 random things about yourself (see below)
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them (see below)
5. Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Six Random things about me:  Hmmm… let’s see, this should be interesting!!!